January is traditionally the time that many couples separate. A combination of financial and emotional stress over the festive period together with living in close proximity with extended family is generally enough to signal the death knell for an already shaky relationship.
The recession has made people think twice about separating. A depressed housing market coupled with a diminishing ability to obtain credit is forcing unhappy couples to stay together under one roof. The rationale being that if they tough it out for a short while, the housing market will recover. Most envisaged a few months or at the outside, a year, but with no sign of the recession lifting many now can’t see light at the end of the tunnel.
Research shows that living in a strained environment is unhealthy and is particularly toxic for any children of the relationship. Although couples think that they are successfully shielding their children from their relationship fallout, it is almost impossible to do so.
The consequences of this are many: ill health, alcohol dependence, children under performing and acting out. The stress can cause the best of people to snap. Domestic abuse whether verbal or physical is common. This, regrettably, often leads straight to court. Whilst court is sometimes necessary for protective orders, in most cases it is unnecessary. The strain of a court battle only adds to the financial and emotional pressures. Inevitably, the couple becomes polarized and often communication breaks down completely. Co-parenting becomes impossible and the children are caught in the middle of the dispute between their parents. Grandparents and mutual friends inevitably end up taking sides and everyone is unhappy.
It doesn’t have to be that way. In my experience, if a relationship isn’t working out it is better to accept the position and move on. Don’t put off the inevitable for the sake of the children or because of financial restraints. There exists a new breed of family lawyer who recognises that the best way to assist a client is to encourage dialogue with their partner and to always put the best interests of the children first. These family lawyers offer clients a collaborative divorce. This means the clients and the lawyers sign up not to go to court. They resolve to treat each other with respect and dignity and to commit to putting the children first. They recognise that you will have good days and bad days when going through the process. They understand that sometimes your emotions can get in the way of making good decisions for you and your family. They are able to call on the services of trained therapists who act as divorce coaches to help you through. They know that children often tell separating parents what they think they want to hear rather than what they really feel and can offer the assistance of child specialists who can work with your children in creating workable parenting plans.
Above all, they believe that you are best placed to make decisions about your future. If you are unused to dealing with family finances they will provide you with the support of financial specialists who will be able to guide you. You won’t be pushed into a settlement at the door of the court with no time to consider the consequences.
These lawyers are skilled at looking at your situation creatively. They recognise that no two families are the same and won’t try to pigeon hole you.
In a traditional negotiation or court scenario, asset values are obtained and are apportioned in a formulaic manner. There is generally no room for creativity. In contrast, I have been involved in collaborative divorces where the couple, because they were still on good terms and had creative collaborative lawyers acting for them, were able to retain the family home for the wife and the children and ensure that the husband had a decent property in which to exercise contact. The mortgage remained in joint names and the wife applied for tax credits to supplement her income.
In another case, both parties made an application to the bank to write off a loan where the bank had not followed standard procedure. As the couple presented a united front, the bank was forced to write off a substantial sum.
Essentially, by “collaborating” both couples were able to work together to achieve the best settlement possible for themselves and their children.
In summary, my top tips for a good divorce are:
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Get out of an unworkable relationship sooner rather than later.
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Keep the lines of communication open.
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Don’t use your children as pawns. Listen to them. Don’t denigrate the other parent however tempting. Attend parenting after parting classes to learn more about managing children through a separation/divorce.
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Seek professional help as soon as you can. Often with the right kind of creative advice you will be able to move on and be happy.
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Don’t believe all that you hear. You can divorce well.
Contact:
Cath Karlin
Partner, Edinburgh
Posted: 19.01.12